


What you call love (it's so fake and nobody's allowed to love but you)

by baekkieony



Series: Drowning Alive [12]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Porn, Angst and Tragedy, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, ChanKai, Depression, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Heavy Angst, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Sad, Sad Ending, Smut, This is literally shit, Unrequited Love, it's not love even if it is, please love this ship as much as i do, sekai - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-11 00:00:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12922956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baekkieony/pseuds/baekkieony
Summary: Baby, give me more from what you call love.Even if it isn't love; I love it.





	What you call love (it's so fake and nobody's allowed to love but you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [3star4life](https://archiveofourown.org/users/3star4life/gifts).



> This is shit lol, but please appreciate it anyway. I should sleep more lol. Sorry for mistakes, it's unbeta'd and I'm not a native speaker. Feel free to yell at me; i love attention

It's different.

It used to be normal. A routine.

But now it's different and Sehun doesn't like it.

It used to be a sweet kiss in the morning and a lovely kiss at night.

Now it's unsaid words when they wake up and heavy silence when they go to bed with their backs turned away.

There's this missing sparkle. The glimmer in his eyes.

It's the same hair Sehun is stroking, but it doesn't feel the same.

It's the same mouth he's kissing, but the kiss isn't the same.

It's the same eyes he stares in, but it's not the same sparkle.

It's the same that Sehun feels, but the feelings he gets back aren't the same.

Jongin calls it love.

Sehun calls it lies.

But Jongin knows that Sehun loves these lies.

________________________________________

His eyes are not ordinarily brown, Sehun notices.

No, they're like sweet cappuccino in the morning, light and also heavy, but momentarily just sleepy.

Drowsy with ruffled hair. The same old face, the same old coffee table, the same old coffee cups, but not the same old feels.

Sehun sees how the coffee drips over the edge of the cup and out of intention and out of habits, Sehun is already reaching for a towel, because there hadn't been one morning in the last three years when Jongin hasn't spilled his coffee.

Jongin opens his mouth, like always, ready to apologize, but Sehun shuts him down with the same polite smile and Jongin smiles back and closes his mouth even if his eyes are screaming _fuck you_ _ **.**_

Sehun wants it to feel the same.

But it doesn't.

He feels as heavy as Jongin's eyelids look like.

________________________________________

His plans unravel in the sand like rain in the ocean.

He has hoped that Jongin would have time for him, but he hasn't and Sehun knows that it would have been this answer and he was kind of already expecting that.

Is Jongin cheating?

Sehun doesn't know.

He decides that it's okay to spend this friday night alone at home with a bowl of popcorn and his favourite film.

He's already half asleep when Jongin comes home, sweaty and smelling like a homeless alcoholic, clothes not as neat as they used to be when he went out.

"Hey sweetie", Sehun flinches when he hears it, because it doesn't make him feel warm and loved anymore – like it used to do. Jongin's mouth makes these words sound wrong and fake, filled with lies.

Seconds later, arms are wrapped around his throat and it doesn't feel like a hug, more like Jongin would like to strangle him alive. "How was your night?", Jongin's breath smells bad, Jongin in general smells bad and one look in his eyes tells Sehun that he's high as fuck.

"It was great, aside from you being not here", he knows that this sounded harsh and bitter, but he couldn't resist when the opinion to make Jongin feel bad was visible, at least one time, so he decided to go for it.

"Okay, wow, steady there, it couldn't be that bad", Sehun feels Jongin going defensive, closing doors and throwing the spare key for Sehun away. "It was, but it doesn't matter".

Jongin just snorts and flops down onto the couch next to Sehun, but when he kisses him on the lips, it feels wrong and disgusting.

Sehun likes to tell himself that he wants this and that he needs this and especially Jongin.

It isn't love, but Sehun loves it, wants to love this.

Jongin's "I love you" feels empty and the touch on his skin is like ice when Jongin is dragging him into the bedroom, throwing him on the bed, already ripping his own shirt of.

It feels wrong when he opens Sehun's fly and pulls his pants down. It feels wrong when he throws his boxers in a corner.

It feels wrong when he roughly presses his fingers into Sehun, cold and sticky. It feels wrong when he tries to push in without lube and before he can start pounding into Sehun like an animal, Sehun stops.

He grabs Jongin's wrist, twisting it, seeing him crunching his nose in pain while Sehun has already shed tears.

It's the point where Jongin should know it's enough, but he still tries to push in and it doesn't leave Sehun any opinion beside slapping him right in the face.

Jongin's gaze is piercing when he holds his cheek, halfway in, completely frozen in shock, but only a second later Sehun is pinned down onto the bed, face inches apart.

"Listen", Jongin's breath ghosts over Sehun's ear, stinking and disgusting, "if I want to fuck you, then I fuck you. And you're going to do nothing against it, bitch".

It's the first time that Sehun has spit Jongin in his face when he sees the winning smirk on Jongin's lips and it's also the first time that Jongin has ever hit him.

It hurts, but it doesn't just hurt physically, it also hurts a lot more psychically.

Sehun kind of knows that it won't be the last time.

________________________________________

"You're late".

It's statement, not more, but it's still the truth and it hurts him so much to say this when Jongin comes home from "an unexpected study session for dancing theory", smelling like the perfume Chanyeol always wears.

Sehun wants to call it safe, but it isn't, Jongin doesn't mean home of safe anymore, it means pain and hurt.

Mostly Jongin isn't even hurting him physically, but it still hurts a lot, the ache in his heart when he has to think that it's not him who Jongin is craving for, or at least not his love. His body, yes, that's the one thing Jongin's still wanting, only his body.

Jongin doesn't necessarily greets him anymore, he nods and goes into his room, a cold "I love you" is too many words to be spend actually. His love is cold, more doesn't exist and Sehun would like to cry, but he is too strong to grant Jongin that.

Jongin also just nods this night and goes straight to his room, but Sehun can't resist this time, he just can't, because it's enough.

"Jongin?", his hand is already on the knob, but he still turns around, face stressed and annoyed.

"Yes?", his voice sounds strained.

"You should remember to give Chanyeol his shirt back tomorrow, because you took his after you left your study lesson".

Sehun doesn't say anything else before he leaves their apartment, Jongin's hand still on the knob, frozen in place.

________________________________________

When Sehun grabs the concealer and puts the first layer of it on his face, he would like to wipe it away immediately.

Sehun hopes that it will cover the entire bruise on his face, but he already knows that it won't and his options to hide aren't any but this.

He sighs when he has to get dressed and steps out of the bathroom, clothes on, a black turtle-neck to hide the bruises on his neck and the cuts on his arms.

Jongin is already sitting at the same old coffee table, with the same old coffee mug, but his eyes aren't the same. They're full with hate.

Jongin calls it love.

Sehun calls it fake.

But Jongin knows that Sehun likes it fake.

When Jongin's coffee is dripping over, he reaches for a towel already out of habit.

Silence fills the room, and Sehun feels like provoking today, because he sees Jongin wearing Chanyeol's sweater.

He looks up, facing these glaring eyes who used to look so soft only for Sehun once, but now they look soft for a different person.

His smirk is provoking and daring, but Jongin doesn't get it, not yet.

"So tell me,", he's taking a sip from his coffee, "has Chanyeol a big dick?".

He knows that he went too far when the mug is crashing onto the ground, together with Sehun's nose, coffee spilling on the floor like blood is dripping onto the table.

Sehun just stands up and gets a fresh towel to stop the bleeding, before he takes his bag and leaves the apartment.

________________________________________

Sehun finds himself to be lucky and happy about the fact that nobody seems to notice his bruise or the little bit of dried blood on his nose he hasn't seen yet.

He spends the time where he should have a physic class in the library, – because it got cancelled – reading books for his chemistry major he's (hopefully) graduating in at the end of this semester. He firstly doesn't notice someone slipping into the seat next to him, just studying further, but when the unnerving scent he would recognize everywhere – because his boyfriend has been wearing clothes smelling like this for the past two months – flows into his nostrils, he's frozen.

"Chanyeol", his voice is raspy and hoarse and he hopes that he's not going to cry in the library right now. "What are you doing here?", Sehun turns his head and Chanyeol is smiling gleefully. "Watching you". "And why?", Sehun turns back to his studies. "Because you're beautiful".

Sehun stops and his head is spinning, because this is just _ridiculous._ But then he decides that two can play this game. "I'm not", Sehun stoically presses out the answer. "You are and someone decided to destroy this beautiful face by punching it", a sudden stroke over his bruise makes Sehun flinch, maybe out of pain, but mainly because it is connected to _Jongin._

"It's nothing", Sehun tries to focus on his studies, but a soft grip on his arm and a sleeve being pushed up is making it hard. "Yeah, and your arms are nothing too, right", Chanyeol's voice sounds worried, really and honestly worried and _maybe_ he doesn't know.

"You're right, it's nothing and now let me study". "Sehun, stop it and tell me who did it, so I can return the honour he seemingly did to your face", Chanyeol sounds so concerned and Sehun wants to laugh for real, because it's fucking _ridiculous._

"It was nobody, I just fell", he seconds away from packing his things and leave. "And because you fell you have cuts from blades all over your arms, right? You too beautiful to let it be destroyed like this".

Sehun has enough and is packing his things already, but the mention that he's "beautiful" makes him stop in his tracks again. "You already have someone, Chanyeol, so stop it. But since you're so interested, he did it. But I'm not the person you find beautiful". Sehun has managed to pack all into his back and is grabbing his coat when Chanyeol is stopping him again.

"Who is it then? Would be new to me".

Tears are burning in his eyes when Sehun calmly walks out of the library, only spending a gaze back to see Chanyeol's face.

"My boyfriend".

Sehun would like to not feel hurt by the proving mix of guilt and regret on Chanyeol's face.

________________________________________

Sehun calls for the third time this night and Jongin is still not picking up. By now, Sehun is really starting to get worried, even if he knows that he should not. His big plushy is with him on the couch, so he has something to cuddle since Jongin does not cuddle him anymore or does anything loving with him at all.

Maybe Jongin is at Chanyeol's right now. Maybe they passed out after fucking for hours. Sehun stopped caring. After all he doesn't have to cover up a new bruise in the morning.

Sehun knows that he shouldn't care about where Jongin has been and where Jongin is now, but even if it isn't love, he still loves it.

Jongin calls it love.

Sehun calls it burden.

But Jongin knows that Sehun always had been a hard working member of this society.

It's the news at three am that tell him that someone that looks a lot like Jongin drunkenly jumped from the rooftop of his university tonight and Sehun doesn't feel a single bit of guilt when he smiles a little when he sees it on the tv.


End file.
